Coping with loneliness.Posted: 01/16/2012
Single. Solo. Independent. Those are common words I use to describe myself, namely my current marital status. Being single is great, it really is, but there are just those random days where I end up feeling like shit. I’m feeling much better now but the background of this blog post has been incubating for the past week and I really couldn’t find the words. And then I found it. Lonely. That’s another word, and perhaps a more appropriate word, to describe my situation.
For the past few years, I’ve been subjected to third wheeldom. Token single girl. The independent woman. All in all, it’s been great — focusing on school (done that), continually working on my business (always hustlin’), and desperately trying to figure out what I want to do (ongoing). But honestly — and this is me opening up — it sucks when you don’t have someone to share your happiness and struggles with. As one of the only single girls in my core group of friends, I’m finding it difficult to even reach out to my close friends nowadays. I feel like a burden, or that they have so much going on in couple world to the point where they’ve forgotten what it feels like to be alone. And it sucks.
It’s part of my nature that I refuse (or reluctantly) ask for help so I have adopted some not-so-great habits or methods of coping with loneliness. Men. I use and abuse them. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Who knows — up to one’s interpretation. And to be honest, I can’t say I’m proud of some recent choices I’ve made. But honestly, that’s how I deal with things and sure, it’s not the most conventional way of behaving but atleast I get to experience a bit of temporary relief and companionship that I’ve been craving for the past few years.
Sad, but true. Because honestly, when was the last time I even went out on a real date? WTF is even considered a “date” nowadays?! My girl B defines a date as an instance where two people go out with the intention of dating. At the time I agreed with her. But now I’m beginning to question that definition. I go to dinner with people with no expectations because, well, I don’t want to be disappointed. And since disappointment happens so frequently with me, having that “intention” or even that thought becomes lost. It becomes an internal struggle. When you want something so bad, it just never happens, or the opposite happens. And then you have to start all over again.
I mean, I’m fine now. But I really wanted to jot down how I felt about this situation because I always get asked, “How are you single?”, “Any new guys?”, “Still single?” and it’s beginning to become mundane. Stop. Thanks.