Nobody said it was easy.

Found myself in a stump again. How do I get out of these holes?! I seem to get on a roll, see some progress in some aspects of my life yet it’s at the expense of others. For example, family life was in a knot a couple months ago. Everything went downhill — my business took a three week hiatus, had no time/no motivation to go to the gym, and found unhappiness in my job. Although most things alleviated itself, I am once again stuck in a rut. Lack of motivation, procrastination, and laziness are starting to eat me alive. What is lacking here? Is it overall interest? Challenge? Commitment? All of  the above? Tired of being like this. What ever happened to the person I was during my undergrad, during the best days of my life? I was the best person I could be, in the best possible shape, with “the skies the limit” attitude. Now? I feel stuck. I feel stuck in the same place. Is this what life is really all about? Work, go home, cook, sleep, and repeat?

What ever happened to all those seminars I went to outside of class time in all the clubs, internships, etc. I was involved in? Did I ever take anything away from those? “Follow your passion”, “Do what you love”, “Don’t waste time in a job that you don’t love”, “Find a career, not a job”. Well, how exactly do that? How do we get paid by “doing something we love”? What happens if you haven’t realized what your passion is? Is there supposed to be a time when the light just flicks on and you’ll just know what you’re destined to do? How long do I have to suffer in this state of “trying to figure things out”?

I’m always thinking about the future. But what am I doing about the present? What actions am I taking to ensure (or atleast take steps to ensure) that my future will look bright? I’m so sick and tired of having the “what are you doing now”  or “what do you do” conversation. Sick of it. You know what I’m doing? I’m busting my ass job hunting every single week only to find out that I am “not qualified” for any possible decent paying job while drowning in a course that I never even wanted to take in the first place. What I’ve learned from university is that I am extremely good at taking orders from other people and I am horrible at making decisions for myself. I’m scared of taking that risk. God, whatever fucking happened to me?

It just seems like I’m running in a huge circle right now. Or maybe just running…as in how this post is almost a giant run-on sentence.

Or maybe I desperately need my vacation now.

Sigh.

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