I said I was finished with writing on this blog…but things change.
As much as I love writing about food and recipes, I miss my old blog posts that have actually feeling behind it. Tonight may be reminiscent of my older posts.
This month has had a rocky start. This week in particular has been hard. My first ever market has been canceled – an event which I was so excited to be participating in – and also a major force for my sales this month. I’ve also had an extremely difficult past couple of days since my personal life has been not so great. It’s been difficult because I’m starting to hate the situation I’m in and the person that I never thought I would become. I always vowed to myself to not tolerate things that I do not believe in and if I am uncomfortable in a situation, I would get the hell out. It’s a bit harder to “get the hell out” because I don’t even have another home to go to anymore. And I hate that because I feel trapped. And then I feel obligated to stay in this relationship when I feel like I can receive better treatment elsewhere.
I’m not afraid of being single again. I’m just afraid of not being able to live. I’m afraid of not knowing what to do. I hate uncertainty. But perhaps it is for the best.
4 more days until vacation. Hopefully I can remain sane until then.
I wonder this all the time. What is it like to be “normal”? Normal, as in, having a full-time job with predictable hours, benefits, and ending at 5pm, on average. What is it like to not hustle as hard as I do, juggling 3 jobs at a time to just make ends meet? What is it like to really just work for someone else…and be totally, 100% happy about it? Serious questions here.
I work at a hotel, at another restaurant, and run my own business, managing everything from social media, to finances, to maintaining strategic partnerships and my one employee. I hustle, and I hustle hard. Not saying that other people don’t work as hard as I do, but honestly, it sometimes feels that way.
I compare myself frequently to my peers who are much more advanced than me. Typically those who were in Business and just graduated and got a job right away out of school. I wish I had studied harder in school. And/or I almost wish I had gotten a degree that would land me a job right away.
In university, you feel like you are really special (or atleast I did), that I was important because I was doing so much. I was busy and it made me feel like I was worth something. That my work meant something to people and that it was vital in a sense that they needed me to function. I hid behind business. Now, I mean, I am equally busy. It’s just work, work, work and trying to stay and shape and trying to maintain and healthy relationship while keeping up with my friends. Is this life? Is this it for us? Sometimes I don’t feel satisfied.
What is “normal” nowadays?
I’ve finally decided on a name for my new food and recipe-based blog: Umami & Me. It will be a blog chronicling my new culinary adventures in cooking for two, reworking leftovers into new creative dishes, sharing my own recipes as well as adapted favourites, and on teaching others how to cook (aka my boyfriend). I’ll hopefully try to get atleast one post up before I leave on Thursday for Asia.
This past year has been different from the rest. I’ve mellowed out, calmed down on the partying, and have cut down on the drinking. Maybe I’m getting older or wiser, I thought to myself. Nope, that’s not it. Maturing? Coming of age? Not it either. Boring? Hell naw. My god, what could it possibly be?! Oh, right. I’m in a relationship now. I’ve heard some people murmur and talk over this “status” before it but it really materialized when my boyfriend said it so blatantly in my face.
But it’s not so bad, is it? I mean, there was a time in my life where all I wanted to do was party, all I wanted to do was get drunk and make out with boys and bear no responsibility. But I have new priorities now — loving and caring for somebody, the woes of the transition stage of moving out, and planning our future together. Now it’s all about saving up money for a home and a car (and a bike?), budgeting, meal planning, and thinking about my future [in terms of career and how and if I will be able to support myself].
So in the end, it is all a mixture of those aforementioned things: coming of age, becoming boring (I still think this is crazy), and being involved in a committed relationship. And really, I don’t think the “old/single” me would disapprove. I think the “old” me would be proud of who I’ve become.
Why? Because I’m 23, my favourite number in the whole world. I feel invincible.
My 23rd year already started off a bang. I have got to say I had such a grand time celebrating my birthday this year. Got to see all the important people that I wanted to see — family, friends, boyfriend — and left full on every occasion. I had noodles galore (I was always taught to eat long noodles on my birthday to ensure a long life), a good chunk of new baking and cooking equipment (hello pink KitchenAid Artisan 5-quart Stand Mixer!), and endless birthday greetings. For those of you who actually called me and left a voicemail, thank you. Getting phonecalls on your birthday is one of the most oldschool, down-to-earth, and intimate greetings I could ever receive on my special day. Thank you! Meant a lot to me. Even my whole work team singing happy birthday to me on Thursday was especially touching. I even got cake that I didn’t bake…amazing!
To the people whom I shared my extended 5-day birthday celebrations with, thank you, thank you, thank you! Couldn’t have asked for a better birthday.
Now the next countdown begins: 10 days til vacay!!!
Been thinking of starting up a food blog. NOT the idiotic kind where you review restaurants (if you know my stance on this, you will understand). I was perhaps thinking of starting a food blog that contained recipes, my recipes or adapted favourites. Just a thought that’s always been in the back of my mind but have never said it outloud. Until now.
Maybe. Won’t be this year. Or will it?
Found myself in a stump again. How do I get out of these holes?! I seem to get on a roll, see some progress in some aspects of my life yet it’s at the expense of others. For example, family life was in a knot a couple months ago. Everything went downhill — my business took a three week hiatus, had no time/no motivation to go to the gym, and found unhappiness in my job. Although most things alleviated itself, I am once again stuck in a rut. Lack of motivation, procrastination, and laziness are starting to eat me alive. What is lacking here? Is it overall interest? Challenge? Commitment? All of the above? Tired of being like this. What ever happened to the person I was during my undergrad, during the best days of my life? I was the best person I could be, in the best possible shape, with “the skies the limit” attitude. Now? I feel stuck. I feel stuck in the same place. Is this what life is really all about? Work, go home, cook, sleep, and repeat?
What ever happened to all those seminars I went to outside of class time in all the clubs, internships, etc. I was involved in? Did I ever take anything away from those? “Follow your passion”, “Do what you love”, “Don’t waste time in a job that you don’t love”, “Find a career, not a job”. Well, how exactly do that? How do we get paid by “doing something we love”? What happens if you haven’t realized what your passion is? Is there supposed to be a time when the light just flicks on and you’ll just know what you’re destined to do? How long do I have to suffer in this state of “trying to figure things out”?
I’m always thinking about the future. But what am I doing about the present? What actions am I taking to ensure (or atleast take steps to ensure) that my future will look bright? I’m so sick and tired of having the “what are you doing now” or “what do you do” conversation. Sick of it. You know what I’m doing? I’m busting my ass job hunting every single week only to find out that I am “not qualified” for any possible decent paying job while drowning in a course that I never even wanted to take in the first place. What I’ve learned from university is that I am extremely good at taking orders from other people and I am horrible at making decisions for myself. I’m scared of taking that risk. God, whatever fucking happened to me?
It just seems like I’m running in a huge circle right now. Or maybe just running…as in how this post is almost a giant run-on sentence.
Or maybe I desperately need my vacation now.