I said I was finished with writing on this blog…but things change.
As much as I love writing about food and recipes, I miss my old blog posts that have actually feeling behind it. Tonight may be reminiscent of my older posts.
This month has had a rocky start. This week in particular has been hard. My first ever market has been canceled – an event which I was so excited to be participating in – and also a major force for my sales this month. I’ve also had an extremely difficult past couple of days since my personal life has been not so great. It’s been difficult because I’m starting to hate the situation I’m in and the person that I never thought I would become. I always vowed to myself to not tolerate things that I do not believe in and if I am uncomfortable in a situation, I would get the hell out. It’s a bit harder to “get the hell out” because I don’t even have another home to go to anymore. And I hate that because I feel trapped. And then I feel obligated to stay in this relationship when I feel like I can receive better treatment elsewhere.
I’m not afraid of being single again. I’m just afraid of not being able to live. I’m afraid of not knowing what to do. I hate uncertainty. But perhaps it is for the best.
4 more days until vacation. Hopefully I can remain sane until then.
This past year has been different from the rest. I’ve mellowed out, calmed down on the partying, and have cut down on the drinking. Maybe I’m getting older or wiser, I thought to myself. Nope, that’s not it. Maturing? Coming of age? Not it either. Boring? Hell naw. My god, what could it possibly be?! Oh, right. I’m in a relationship now. I’ve heard some people murmur and talk over this “status” before it but it really materialized when my boyfriend said it so blatantly in my face.
But it’s not so bad, is it? I mean, there was a time in my life where all I wanted to do was party, all I wanted to do was get drunk and make out with boys and bear no responsibility. But I have new priorities now — loving and caring for somebody, the woes of the transition stage of moving out, and planning our future together. Now it’s all about saving up money for a home and a car (and a bike?), budgeting, meal planning, and thinking about my future [in terms of career and how and if I will be able to support myself].
So in the end, it is all a mixture of those aforementioned things: coming of age, becoming boring (I still think this is crazy), and being involved in a committed relationship. And really, I don’t think the “old/single” me would disapprove. I think the “old” me would be proud of who I’ve become.
Where has the zest in life gone?
It’s time for a long, overdue change. Certain aspects of my life will have to go — on hiatus or permanently. Who knows. All I know is that my life needs a major clean up.
I am afraid that I may need to see a doctor.
Someone pull me out when I start to get too deep, okay? Feels like I’m starting to lose a bit of reality, a bit of myself.
Time for a vacation.
This is what I’ve been thinking for the past couple of weeks. I really thought about it hard. Again, with this whole struggling transition into the real world combined with thoughts of moving out, buying a car, personal finances, the option of traveling, and studying (which I’ve conveniently forgotten), I’ve been stuck in a rut. I feel like I’ve been trapped. But what’s trapping me? My mistake was to blame it on being in a relationship. The mere thought of maybe, just maybe, my boyfriend may be holding me back from realizing my potential and reaching my goals, clouded my future. And it upset him. I mean, I was practically saying I was unhappy with him and the relationship and that clearly is far from how I feel. What I was doing was just finding excuses as to why I can’t reach my goals or, more accurately, why I can’t reach my goals with somebody.
Right now, I’m just lacking motivation. That, and I have a severe way of devaluing myself and my efforts whether it is my education, my business, or my career aspirations. I’m confident but not. I constantly need reassurance in order to succeed or to realize that yes, maybe I can do this. It’s something that I personally need to overcome any work on. Any advice?
Anyways, this blog is in major need of constant updates and new posts. So much has been going on but no time to blog and/or no access to my laptop and/or iPad (I’ve tried blogging from my iPhone but it’s just too much work! And I always have too much to say). Until next time…
So I’ve blogged and blogged and blogged about this little thing called transition. Although I’ve practically lamented on my future and what to make of my Arts degree, I have taken the next step and as of last week, I am officially enrolled at UBC Sauder School of Business in their Real Estate division. Hooray! My textbook should be arriving any day now and once they do, goodbye life for the next 6 months (goal is to finish it by the end of this year)!
Besides the academic aspect of things, I’m also at the point where my current relationship is flourishing and on a constant positive upstream flow. My boyfriend asked me to move in last week. Groundbreaking, earth-shattering. Yet expected. And, I mean, I am practically in Richmond for half of the week, if not more. I don’t think it would make much of a big difference. And for those who know my home situation, in a nutshell, it is not going very well. Guilty of escapism in other situations, I really am curious to try this out but I don’t want to be running away from my problems at home. But I am ready to learn more about him and more importantly, myself and what my tolerances, habits, and breaking points are in a relationship context — or if there is indeed a distinct difference whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Of course, it may seem as if things are going astronomically fast for us considering the short amount of time we’ve been together. Met, clicked, traveled, and possibly moving in within an 8 month period? It’s like the fast forward button. But moving with a capital M seems like the next logical thing to do. And the argument would be, “What’s the rush?” and my answer to that would be, “Why not?”. Again, he’s a different life stage and is probably ready to settle down in the next few years. Me? Well, I’m still exploring, constantly learning about myself, and have an expiry date on all my goals in the next two to three years.
This is a new avenue I am excited and willing to explore. And if it doesn’t work out, or the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s probably best that I know these things now before things get in too deep. If anything, I could always move back home…right?