Boyfriend holding you back?

This is what I’ve been thinking for the past couple of weeks. I really thought about it hard. Again, with this whole struggling transition into the real world combined with thoughts of moving out, buying a car, personal finances, the option of traveling, and studying (which I’ve conveniently forgotten), I’ve been stuck in a rut. I feel like I’ve been trapped. But what’s trapping me? My mistake was to blame it on being in a relationship. The mere thought of maybe, just maybe, my boyfriend may be holding me back from realizing my potential and reaching my goals, clouded my future. And it upset him. I mean, I was practically saying I was unhappy with him and the relationship and that clearly is far from how I feel. What I was doing was just finding excuses as to why I can’t reach my goals or, more accurately, why I can’t reach my goals with somebody.

Right now, I’m just lacking motivation. That, and I have a severe way of devaluing myself and my efforts whether it is my education, my business, or my career aspirations. I’m confident but not. I constantly need reassurance in order to succeed or to realize that yes, maybe I can do this. It’s something that I personally need to overcome any work on. Any advice?

Anyways, this blog is in major need of constant updates and new posts. So much has been going on but no time to blog and/or no access to my laptop and/or iPad (I’ve tried blogging from my iPhone but it’s just too much work! And I always have too much to say). Until next time…

Onto the next step.

So I’ve blogged and blogged and blogged about this little thing called transition. Although I’ve practically lamented on my future and what to make of my Arts degree, I have taken the next step and as of last week, I am officially enrolled at UBC Sauder School of Business in their Real Estate division. Hooray! My textbook should be arriving any day now and once they do, goodbye life for the next 6 months (goal is to finish it by the end of this year)!

Besides the academic aspect of things, I’m also at the point where my current relationship is flourishing and on a constant positive upstream flow. My boyfriend asked me to move in last week. Groundbreaking, earth-shattering. Yet expected. And, I mean, I am practically in Richmond for half of the week, if not more. I don’t think it would make much of a big difference. And for those who know my home situation, in a nutshell, it is not going very well. Guilty of escapism in other situations, I really am curious to try this out but I don’t want to be running away from my problems at home. But I am ready to learn more about him and more importantly, myself and what my tolerances, habits, and breaking points are in a relationship context — or if there is indeed a distinct difference whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Of course, it may seem as if things are going astronomically fast for us considering the short amount of time we’ve been together. Met, clicked, traveled, and possibly moving in within an 8 month period? It’s like the fast forward button. But moving with a capital M seems like the next logical thing to do. And the argument would be, “What’s the rush?” and my answer to that would be, “Why not?”. Again, he’s a different life stage and is probably ready to settle down in the next few years. Me? Well, I’m still exploring, constantly learning about myself, and have an expiry date on all my goals in the next two to three years.

This is a new avenue I am excited and willing to explore. And if it doesn’t work out, or the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s probably best that I know these things now before things get in too deep. If anything, I could always move back home…right?

Where to begin?

Even with 24 hours in a day, I still can’t manage to find the time to blog nowadays! Apologies. There has really been a lot going on. May just flew by, it seems. Some recent highlights?

My aunt got married! Yahoo. Such a great wedding. It was 1940s-themed and I was surprised and so, so glad that so many people participated in the theme. Red lips? Check. Pearls? Check. Fascinator? Check. Even the venue was kick-ass. It was held at The Metro in New Westminster which also secondly runs as a swinger club… cool? Overall, it was awesome. Despite being designated as the wedding planner for the day (and also providing some hundred fabulous gluten-free cupcakes), I still managed to enjoy myself…as in take advantage of the open bar. Yes! Still waiting on the pro pics…
Me and Melissa

Introducing my boyfriend to the family (finally!!!). So, I guess we are pretty serious now, huh. This actually happened the day before the wedding. More casual environment, I suppose, so I thought less pressure for him. Smart? Yes. Anyways, this seemed to go over very well. I think? Off to good start in my eyes…crossing fingers. A picture, you ask? Well, I’m trying to keep this relationship as private as I can but one picture doesn’t hurt, right? Plus, I really do love showing him off. And this picture is hilarious. Pretty much paparazzi-style as soon as we walked inside. Oh, and try to guess his age. I dare you. Get it right and maybe I’ll bake something delicious for you.
Me and Juan Montreal. Well, the cat’s out of the bag and yes, I will be flying off to Montreal next week to spend a mere five days in some actual decent summer weather. This will also be our first trip together. Whatever happened to weekend trips? Nope, we’re fast-forwarding. Seriously looking forward to this mini vacay. In dire need of a vacation and I am also really looking forward to taking him around since he’s never been there and also to visit some family and friends. 10 more days!

Job hunt or career change? Yes, I’ve begun the mundane job search again. I always have good intentions and positive energy whenever I think about job hunting for something in my field yet when I actually start searching I just end up in a miserable mood. Just started looking again about 4 hours ago and I’ve become incredibly frustrated. Still, nothing. Atleast in BC. So disappointing and discouraging. Going to see if I can get referred to the New West Police Department. Apparently there’s an opening. Might as well try and put my degree to good use (10 more days til I convocate!!!). But if all else fails, I will be enrolling for courses again….this time in the realm of real estate. And I will be giving myself a deadline for this. Honestly, I was going to enroll on July 1st but maybe I should give myself some time. I know the restaurant I work in will/should be undergoing renovations in the fall, namely October, which will be when I’ll be in Asia so ideally a good time to study and prepare for the licensing examination. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I could just take the “easy” route and just take a 9-5 job and have an actual position. Work for a big company. Make a fixed salary. Wouldn’t life be much simpler that way? Nope, always a non-stop hustle for me.

Other stressors. Honestly, the last month I received a few announcements and had a couple of very serious discussions with someone who is of utmost importance to me. But lately, it feels as if every week there is a bomb going off. Surprise after surprise. Some good, some bad. Normally, the information that was shared would scare people, especially in a relationship setting. But I wasn’t scared. There wasn’t a real fear….until the bomb that went off this past weekend. I am in a very unique relationship. I am serious. I guarantee you that no one, no one (atleast that I know of) has to deal with what I am dealing with right now. This information is strictly confidential and I feel I can’t even confide in anyone about it. It’s very private — even for me. But there are different ways to look at it — do I have a challenge on my hands or are these very blatant warning signs to GTFO? I honestly don’t even know. I’m trying to keep myself grounded which isn’t too difficult and not fall head over heels and I honestly think I am doing a great job thus far. But who knows…am I just demonstrating willful blindness and oozing naivete? Perhaps the resolution to these situations I’ve been faced with will just come with time, age, and maturity. And sometimes playing with spontaneity isn’t always a good thing? Believe me, I try extremely hard to protect myself when it comes to emotions and feelings. Again, I make calculated decisions and try to map out potential consequences that may occur in the future. Serial planner here. But who knows… guess I’ll just need to play my cards right. And not be a stupid little girl.

I’m at the stage where I need to make decisions for myself. What to do…

Montreal, again.

So I had some other exciting news but since that other news is no longer happening I decided to share some equally exciting news with y’all — I’m headed to Montreal again! Next month. Mid-June. Three weeks today. Right after I receive my Bachelor’s degree and convocate forever from SFU. Happy graduation to me? I’m so excited. Excited to finally graduate and to travel once again. Been deprived of a proper vacation for almost a year now — unacceptable. Will be there for a mere five days and even though it’s a tad short, I’m still super stoked. This trip will be different from my past trips to Montreals but also my other getaways since it will be the first (and hopefully of many, many more) vacation I am taking with my boyfriend. I like how this relationship is progressing. Definitely keeping things positive and looking forward to the future. 3 more weeks, baby!

The age game.

For those have known me for x number of years, you will know that I am attracted to the older man. The teacher, the business man, the one that’s 20 years my senior — it’s like I was born with this inherent borderline reversed perverted attraction. It’s never been a problem, or atleast I thought it would never be one. I mean, older men possess everything that I want to have or look towards in a potential boyfriend/husband: financial security, a house(s), a vehicle to get them to A to B, and hopefully, they’d already have their shit together. Um, yum? Yes please.

But it’s not always an attractive factor. It can also be unappealing at times, almost a turn off. I hate to be quoting an older guy that I was seeing who was only four years older than me that I incredibly hated for playing me but I understand now what he meant when he said we were at “different life stages”. I get it now, I totally do. Because although age may not matter, some things are undeniable and when there is a remarkable age difference at hand. One person may want one thing and the other may definitely feel obliged, or almost pressured to succumb to it. Perhaps I’m speaking for just myself, but it is a little bit of a scary thing. I am a generous person and I want to do everything and more for the person I love but am I willing to sacrifice my youth to commit on such  a serious level?  I may not be looking for anybody in particular at this very moment but what happens if I change my mind (which I so frequently do on a regular basis)? It’s just not fair. Not fair for me but most definitely not fair for the other person involved. I’m torn.

When did something so simple like my high school fantasies become such a complicating (which really should not be complicating) issue? I really shouldn’t be feeling this unnecessary pressure. Have I gone in too deep?

May is a wonderful month.

Besides October (my birthday and Halloween), May is definitely by far my most favourite month of the year. The flowers are in full bloom, the sun is starting to shine on a more regular basis, and thirdly, it’s spot prawn season. But other than that, there always seems to be lots of things going on in May that it gives off the feel good summertime vibe. Last year, I only had Vegas but this year, every weekend is booked. I can hardly believe that it’s already the middle of May!
Bantoo & Meena's wedding
To start the month off, I went to my very first Indian wedding! When I was in Seattle this past March, I ran into my ex who was there for the bachelor party, and ended up with an invite to my ex’s friend’s wedding (whom I am also friends with; I wasn’t a complete random there). It was pretty fun, although I don’t believe it was an accurate representation of other Indian weddings. We were just there for the reception but all in all, it was a lot of fun! Free food, free booze — can’t really go wrong with that.
Bantoo & Meena's wedding
Other than that, it’s been a while since I saw a musical so when I was offered a crazy deal for tickets to see Rock of Ages, I jumped at the opportunity.  I honestly didn’t really know what this musical was about except for the fact that it was a hit on Broadway and it featured music from the late 1980s. What a surprise. It was a great performance. Taking place at the Centre for Performing Arts, I was a bit skeptical because I am aware of how small the theatre is (I’ve also seen Chicago and Avenue Q there but they made it work). It wasn’t an issue and honestly, I was very impressed with almost everything. I wasn’t exactly impressed with the vocals of Drew whom I think was being played by his understudy at the matinee show I saw yesterday as it didn’t seem to be strong enough/keep up with the rest of his colleagues. And I think “The Final Countdown” should have been the closing song for Act I and the opening should have been “Any Way you Want it/I Wanna Rock”. Oh well. It was still a stellar performance and I honestly think my boyfriend enjoyed it more than I did, ironically. Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” was the perfect song to close the show. Rock on!
Rock of Ages Following the show, I went to Vancouver International Tequila Expo at the Vancouver Convention Centre. My god, I have never seen so many tomato-faced white people in my entire life. Is this what the Vancouver Playhouse Wine Festival is like? Dear lord. So many trainwrecks in there. Besides that, I got to try some premium tequila and discover a new appreciation for the drink (I’m still not a fan – still, for the most part, tastes like shit to me).  Again, I think my boyfriend benefitted a whole lot more than I did at this event. Afterall, I did buy the tickets for him since he’s a huge tequila lover and collector. I am such a good girlfriend.

Lastly, this has been such a magical month thus far. I’ve been thinking a lot lately and going back and forth on some things and have  done a ton of waiting around, but I am happy to say that I am most definitely in love. And I love the feeling. And I love how it makes me feel. I love how he makes me feel. I love my boyfriend. I love love.

May is a wonderful month. Nice things happen.

Those three words.

When is the right time? Timing, to me, is everything. And as a romantic, I am definitely waiting for the right moment.

There are so many factors to consider or in my opinion, normalized “rules” in the love game: length of the relationship, different stages of love, and who should say it first. I really think a lot of this is bullshit and totally fabricated.  Love shouldn’t be defined by these so-called boundaries, they should be guided by private, inherent feelings that are shared between two people.

I’ve expressed my concern, or more like gathering opinion from others, and it really is interesting to hear others’ perspective. I mean, afterall, their words don’t really matter to me. But really, it is all very curious. From the people I’ve talked to, ~four months seems to be the most average time to say it…although I think this varies between relationships. Second of all, there are different stages in love which are intertwined with age and maturity of the persons involved. I kind of agree with this. As I’ve said before, I was at a different stage when I was with my high school ex-boyfriend and my current more “senior” boyfriend is certainly at an age where he’s probably thinking of marriage so there are considerably different stages when it comes to love. I agree with this. But does it really matter who says it first? Last time I checked, love wasn’t or isn’t a race. (But for the record, he said it first and I withheld for good reason — everything needs to be just perfect).

I love you. They are three words that holds an enormous amount of meaning to it and it is a phrase that I do not throw around lightly. I love you. It’s coming, I can sense it. This month. I think so. Pretty sure. Yep.