For those have known me for x number of years, you will know that I am attracted to the older man. The teacher, the business man, the one that’s 20 years my senior — it’s like I was born with this inherent borderline reversed perverted attraction. It’s never been a problem, or atleast I thought it would never be one. I mean, older men possess everything that I want to have or look towards in a potential boyfriend/husband: financial security, a house(s), a vehicle to get them to A to B, and hopefully, they’d already have their shit together. Um, yum? Yes please.
But it’s not always an attractive factor. It can also be unappealing at times, almost a turn off. I hate to be quoting an older guy that I was seeing who was only four years older than me that I incredibly hated for playing me but I understand now what he meant when he said we were at “different life stages”. I get it now, I totally do. Because although age may not matter, some things are undeniable and when there is a remarkable age difference at hand. One person may want one thing and the other may definitely feel obliged, or almost pressured to succumb to it. Perhaps I’m speaking for just myself, but it is a little bit of a scary thing. I am a generous person and I want to do everything and more for the person I love but am I willing to sacrifice my youth to commit on such a serious level? I may not be looking for anybody in particular at this very moment but what happens if I change my mind (which I so frequently do on a regular basis)? It’s just not fair. Not fair for me but most definitely not fair for the other person involved. I’m torn.
When did something so simple like my high school fantasies become such a complicating (which really should not be complicating) issue? I really shouldn’t be feeling this unnecessary pressure. Have I gone in too deep?
And probably for all the wrong reasons.
1) Lack of options.
2) I don’t want to be alone anymore.
5) That warm fuzzy feeling.
…which may translate to desperation, stupidity, or temporary happiness. I don’t think these reasons are necessarily bad. A little selfish, yeah, but they’re not necessarily “wrong”. Society will tell you it’s wrong but I don’t give a shit.
I’ve still got my eye fixated on my current “matured” flavour of the
week month, much to the utter dismay of others. But hey, I learn from first-hand experience. And I’ve learned from the varied responses I’ve received from the handful of people I’ve told. Puts things into perspective. Makes me question a number of things like, why would this guy even be interested in me? It’s not because I’m special. It’s not because we have a ton in common. There are a number of assumptions that have been and can be made. Young. Easy. Naive. Sure. But I’m just seeing where this goes. Obviously not expecting any type of real commitment from this dude because at that age, you should have your shit together (or atleast in my mind you should). I’m enjoying the connection though. Don’t kill me for being curious. Who knows…?