Where has the zest in life gone?
It’s time for a long, overdue change. Certain aspects of my life will have to go — on hiatus or permanently. Who knows. All I know is that my life needs a major clean up.
I am afraid that I may need to see a doctor.
It’s really time to grow up. Do you really think I haven’t matured enough in the past 5 years to see what your intentions really are and that you are all fully-grown, manipulative, pieces of shit? Yes, I would like you to stop contacting me. From now on. Forever. And no, I will not provide you with my number anymore.
But no, you’re just not getting it. And call me big-headed, but I am sure you read my blog. Goodbye to the users, abusers, exes, and exotic male dancers. I’m disinterested.
Don’t make me upload your texts, emails and messages to show off your desperation. And oh yes, if provoked, I will go there. But I’m holding back because I’m much classier than that now.
Someone pull me out when I start to get too deep, okay? Feels like I’m starting to lose a bit of reality, a bit of myself.
Time for a vacation.
So I’ve blogged and blogged and blogged about this little thing called transition. Although I’ve practically lamented on my future and what to make of my Arts degree, I have taken the next step and as of last week, I am officially enrolled at UBC Sauder School of Business in their Real Estate division. Hooray! My textbook should be arriving any day now and once they do, goodbye life for the next 6 months (goal is to finish it by the end of this year)!
Besides the academic aspect of things, I’m also at the point where my current relationship is flourishing and on a constant positive upstream flow. My boyfriend asked me to move in last week. Groundbreaking, earth-shattering. Yet expected. And, I mean, I am practically in Richmond for half of the week, if not more. I don’t think it would make much of a big difference. And for those who know my home situation, in a nutshell, it is not going very well. Guilty of escapism in other situations, I really am curious to try this out but I don’t want to be running away from my problems at home. But I am ready to learn more about him and more importantly, myself and what my tolerances, habits, and breaking points are in a relationship context — or if there is indeed a distinct difference whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Of course, it may seem as if things are going astronomically fast for us considering the short amount of time we’ve been together. Met, clicked, traveled, and possibly moving in within an 8 month period? It’s like the fast forward button. But moving with a capital M seems like the next logical thing to do. And the argument would be, “What’s the rush?” and my answer to that would be, “Why not?”. Again, he’s a different life stage and is probably ready to settle down in the next few years. Me? Well, I’m still exploring, constantly learning about myself, and have an expiry date on all my goals in the next two to three years.
This is a new avenue I am excited and willing to explore. And if it doesn’t work out, or the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s probably best that I know these things now before things get in too deep. If anything, I could always move back home…right?
I’m a romantic. I live each day with my heart on my sleeve and see through rose-coloured glasses on a daily basis. What can I say? I live for romance. And perhaps it is early in the relationship but I asked for more romance. Gone are the days of trying different restaurants and exploring. Gone is the excitement. I hate to say it but, I’m a little bored. Now, I make him dinner, we walk the dog, and sleep. We’re very comfortable with eachother. It’s now become a routine. Is the honeymoon season over already?
I know he’s busy. We both work a lot running our own businesses, in addition to my full-time job, working out, and maintaining a decent social life. But I miss the romance. Don’t get me wrong — I very much love him, but I just spendingquality time with him. Seems like we’re just spending time together. It’s not a big deal — just a minor bump in the road.
But is this irrational of me? Am I asking for too much?
The other evening I received a phone call in the wee hours, nearly 5am. Normally, this would be fine on a weekday since I get up around that time to go to work, but no, this was the beginning of my weekend — completely unacceptable. Worse, it was from a number I didn’t recognize. Curious, I picked up the phone and just like times in highschool, the caller hung up. Annoyed, I went back to bed. To my horror, the same caller called again again and hung up! “Who the hell’s calling you at this hour?”, asked my boyfriend in annoyance. I had no idea so I texted the unknown, turned off my ringer, and went straight to sleep.
When I woke up, I found out that it was my ex. Yep, the same ex whom I tried to reach out to last year. It was kind of nice that he was reaching out to me this time but at the time same, it’s just plain rude and disrespectful to try and contact me at the most insane hour. He wants to catch up (which is completely fine with me although I’d rather do this properly in person) but although we have been in contact with eachother since Friday, I really haven’t learned anything about him at all. The conversation hasn’t gone beyond “What’s up? Nothing much, you?”. Disappointing, really. He just wants to find out if I have a boyfriend or not. And before you go off on thinking how egotistical I am, it’s true because that’s exactly what he asked me this morning at 1:34am. Last time I
checked creeped, he had a girlfriend and was very adamant on not seeing me ever. And now he tries to immaturely contact me after months upon months of not speaking to eachother? Fishy. Just hope he’s not hoping for some booty action from me cus it ain’t happening.
For those have known me for x number of years, you will know that I am attracted to the older man. The teacher, the business man, the one that’s 20 years my senior — it’s like I was born with this inherent borderline reversed perverted attraction. It’s never been a problem, or atleast I thought it would never be one. I mean, older men possess everything that I want to have or look towards in a potential boyfriend/husband: financial security, a house(s), a vehicle to get them to A to B, and hopefully, they’d already have their shit together. Um, yum? Yes please.
But it’s not always an attractive factor. It can also be unappealing at times, almost a turn off. I hate to be quoting an older guy that I was seeing who was only four years older than me that I incredibly hated for playing me but I understand now what he meant when he said we were at “different life stages”. I get it now, I totally do. Because although age may not matter, some things are undeniable and when there is a remarkable age difference at hand. One person may want one thing and the other may definitely feel obliged, or almost pressured to succumb to it. Perhaps I’m speaking for just myself, but it is a little bit of a scary thing. I am a generous person and I want to do everything and more for the person I love but am I willing to sacrifice my youth to commit on such a serious level? I may not be looking for anybody in particular at this very moment but what happens if I change my mind (which I so frequently do on a regular basis)? It’s just not fair. Not fair for me but most definitely not fair for the other person involved. I’m torn.
When did something so simple like my high school fantasies become such a complicating (which really should not be complicating) issue? I really shouldn’t be feeling this unnecessary pressure. Have I gone in too deep?