I wonder this all the time. What is it like to be “normal”? Normal, as in, having a full-time job with predictable hours, benefits, and ending at 5pm, on average. What is it like to not hustle as hard as I do, juggling 3 jobs at a time to just make ends meet? What is it like to really just work for someone else…and be totally, 100% happy about it? Serious questions here.
I work at a hotel, at another restaurant, and run my own business, managing everything from social media, to finances, to maintaining strategic partnerships and my one employee. I hustle, and I hustle hard. Not saying that other people don’t work as hard as I do, but honestly, it sometimes feels that way.
I compare myself frequently to my peers who are much more advanced than me. Typically those who were in Business and just graduated and got a job right away out of school. I wish I had studied harder in school. And/or I almost wish I had gotten a degree that would land me a job right away.
In university, you feel like you are really special (or atleast I did), that I was important because I was doing so much. I was busy and it made me feel like I was worth something. That my work meant something to people and that it was vital in a sense that they needed me to function. I hid behind business. Now, I mean, I am equally busy. It’s just work, work, work and trying to stay and shape and trying to maintain and healthy relationship while keeping up with my friends. Is this life? Is this it for us? Sometimes I don’t feel satisfied.
What is “normal” nowadays?
Found myself in a stump again. How do I get out of these holes?! I seem to get on a roll, see some progress in some aspects of my life yet it’s at the expense of others. For example, family life was in a knot a couple months ago. Everything went downhill — my business took a three week hiatus, had no time/no motivation to go to the gym, and found unhappiness in my job. Although most things alleviated itself, I am once again stuck in a rut. Lack of motivation, procrastination, and laziness are starting to eat me alive. What is lacking here? Is it overall interest? Challenge? Commitment? All of the above? Tired of being like this. What ever happened to the person I was during my undergrad, during the best days of my life? I was the best person I could be, in the best possible shape, with “the skies the limit” attitude. Now? I feel stuck. I feel stuck in the same place. Is this what life is really all about? Work, go home, cook, sleep, and repeat?
What ever happened to all those seminars I went to outside of class time in all the clubs, internships, etc. I was involved in? Did I ever take anything away from those? “Follow your passion”, “Do what you love”, “Don’t waste time in a job that you don’t love”, “Find a career, not a job”. Well, how exactly do that? How do we get paid by “doing something we love”? What happens if you haven’t realized what your passion is? Is there supposed to be a time when the light just flicks on and you’ll just know what you’re destined to do? How long do I have to suffer in this state of “trying to figure things out”?
I’m always thinking about the future. But what am I doing about the present? What actions am I taking to ensure (or atleast take steps to ensure) that my future will look bright? I’m so sick and tired of having the “what are you doing now” or “what do you do” conversation. Sick of it. You know what I’m doing? I’m busting my ass job hunting every single week only to find out that I am “not qualified” for any possible decent paying job while drowning in a course that I never even wanted to take in the first place. What I’ve learned from university is that I am extremely good at taking orders from other people and I am horrible at making decisions for myself. I’m scared of taking that risk. God, whatever fucking happened to me?
It just seems like I’m running in a huge circle right now. Or maybe just running…as in how this post is almost a giant run-on sentence.
Or maybe I desperately need my vacation now.
Even with 24 hours in a day, I still can’t manage to find the time to blog nowadays! Apologies. There has really been a lot going on. May just flew by, it seems. Some recent highlights?
My aunt got married! Yahoo. Such a great wedding. It was 1940s-themed and I was surprised and so, so glad that so many people participated in the theme. Red lips? Check. Pearls? Check. Fascinator? Check. Even the venue was kick-ass. It was held at The Metro in New Westminster which also secondly runs as a swinger club… cool? Overall, it was awesome. Despite being designated as the wedding planner for the day (and also providing some hundred fabulous gluten-free cupcakes), I still managed to enjoy myself…as in take advantage of the open bar. Yes! Still waiting on the pro pics…
Introducing my boyfriend to the family (finally!!!). So, I guess we are pretty serious now, huh. This actually happened the day before the wedding. More casual environment, I suppose, so I thought less pressure for him. Smart? Yes. Anyways, this seemed to go over very well. I think? Off to good start in my eyes…crossing fingers. A picture, you ask? Well, I’m trying to keep this relationship as private as I can but one picture doesn’t hurt, right? Plus, I really do love showing him off. And this picture is hilarious. Pretty much paparazzi-style as soon as we walked inside. Oh, and try to guess his age. I dare you. Get it right and maybe I’ll bake something delicious for you.
Montreal. Well, the cat’s out of the bag and yes, I will be flying off to Montreal next week to spend a mere five days in some actual decent summer weather. This will also be our first trip together. Whatever happened to weekend trips? Nope, we’re fast-forwarding. Seriously looking forward to this mini vacay. In dire need of a vacation and I am also really looking forward to taking him around since he’s never been there and also to visit some family and friends. 10 more days!
Job hunt or career change? Yes, I’ve begun the mundane job search again. I always have good intentions and positive energy whenever I think about job hunting for something in my field yet when I actually start searching I just end up in a miserable mood. Just started looking again about 4 hours ago and I’ve become incredibly frustrated. Still, nothing. Atleast in BC. So disappointing and discouraging. Going to see if I can get referred to the New West Police Department. Apparently there’s an opening. Might as well try and put my degree to good use (10 more days til I convocate!!!). But if all else fails, I will be enrolling for courses again….this time in the realm of real estate. And I will be giving myself a deadline for this. Honestly, I was going to enroll on July 1st but maybe I should give myself some time. I know the restaurant I work in will/should be undergoing renovations in the fall, namely October, which will be when I’ll be in Asia so ideally a good time to study and prepare for the licensing examination. Sigh. Sometimes I wish I could just take the “easy” route and just take a 9-5 job and have an actual position. Work for a big company. Make a fixed salary. Wouldn’t life be much simpler that way? Nope, always a non-stop hustle for me.
Other stressors. Honestly, the last month I received a few announcements and had a couple of very serious discussions with someone who is of utmost importance to me. But lately, it feels as if every week there is a bomb going off. Surprise after surprise. Some good, some bad. Normally, the information that was shared would scare people, especially in a relationship setting. But I wasn’t scared. There wasn’t a real fear….until the bomb that went off this past weekend. I am in a very unique relationship. I am serious. I guarantee you that no one, no one (atleast that I know of) has to deal with what I am dealing with right now. This information is strictly confidential and I feel I can’t even confide in anyone about it. It’s very private — even for me. But there are different ways to look at it — do I have a challenge on my hands or are these very blatant warning signs to GTFO? I honestly don’t even know. I’m trying to keep myself grounded which isn’t too difficult and not fall head over heels and I honestly think I am doing a great job thus far. But who knows…am I just demonstrating willful blindness and oozing naivete? Perhaps the resolution to these situations I’ve been faced with will just come with time, age, and maturity. And sometimes playing with spontaneity isn’t always a good thing? Believe me, I try extremely hard to protect myself when it comes to emotions and feelings. Again, I make calculated decisions and try to map out potential consequences that may occur in the future. Serial planner here. But who knows… guess I’ll just need to play my cards right. And not be a stupid little girl.
I’m at the stage where I need to make decisions for myself. What to do…
I am literally counting down the days of my undergraduate career — 4 more days! Seriously. Now what? As I don’t want to be a
slave lifer in the restaurant industry, I began my job hunt today. What’s out there? Are there even any jobs available? The academic advisors in my department are terrible and the jobs that I am interested in require x amount of years of experience. Um, where are we supposed to get this experience from if no one will hire us?! Another topic on its own… And I am pretty happy with my super-padded resume and my networking skills. But will this land me a job on its own? Hardly. Ha, and with an Arts degree and aspirations in fields I have no academic training in at all in addition to the scarce and depleting job market in today’s day and age, let’s just say it’s going to be a fun ride.